Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
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VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward