me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
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Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I鈥檇 enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
only 11 steps left
same bro
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
i am:
鈿笍 a man
鈿笍 a woman
馃敇 living in the year 2021looking for:
鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 a way out
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we鈥檙e selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald鈥檚 uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 馃槵
Host: What now? 馃え
Me *bids farewell*
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
pls don鈥檛 buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
actually this email could鈥檝e been a meeting. we could鈥檝e spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could鈥檝e brought bagels
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won鈥檛 share
– don鈥檛 like baths
– bitey
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
The guy I鈥檝e been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don鈥檛 own any animals.
next time i鈥檓 opening up to someone is my autopsy
I WON A HAM TODAY