Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
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My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.