My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
You Might Also Like
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I cannot stop laughing at this
“That’s what” – She
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see