I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
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This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Love is in the air fryer.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions