Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
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I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog