date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
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Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
*weighs self after shaving
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat