The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
You Might Also Like
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
And that about sums it up.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
how long have you had this for?
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*