“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
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*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
a god among men
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again