Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
You Might Also Like
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?