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“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”