Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
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we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Something Saturday.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign