“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
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WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?