i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
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we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*