*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
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Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Traveler’s camo
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth