Xylophonist Shredding It
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If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Why is no one talking about this?!
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
congratulations to them
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Poetry is my passion
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?