Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
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Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison