It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
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The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.