And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
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If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
A wise man once said nothing.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker