Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
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Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
how much for the angry fruit?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.