Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
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I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
no!! no!!!!!!
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of