Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
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[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Mornin
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.