“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
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Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
this is the best day of my life
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Breaking news:
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya