Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
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I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I thought this was funny lol
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.