[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
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The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Imma just leave this here…………
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.