my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
You Might Also Like
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
no cat here
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.