Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I love it all
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE