Duck typos.
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Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
cat vs inanimate object
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.