ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
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[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
What if all the cashiers are married?
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.