Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
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[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!