11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
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Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me: