Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
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When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.