Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
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Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I occasionally drink every single night.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.