Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
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I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
do horses think humans are hats
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.