So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
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Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Ferrari squats
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.