*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
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watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
groan^2
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.