Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
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Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Cinematography is my passion
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.