The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
You Might Also Like
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Don’t talk down to me
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.