[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
You Might Also Like
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.