Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
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About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
At least he brought enough for everyone
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training