Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
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If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is