Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
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I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat