How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
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Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
You deplete me
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds