Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
You Might Also Like
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.