Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
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FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago