My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
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Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?