When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
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It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Goodnight 🐶
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.