Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
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the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….