Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
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ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Lube but for my dry humor.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.