if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
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[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.